


Feeding Hamsters and Slapping Chickens

by astudyinfic



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Humor, M/M, Ridiculousness, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2020-09-23 16:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20343214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: Zane can calculate anything and Sidewinder's antics put that to the test.





	Feeding Hamsters and Slapping Chickens

**Author's Note:**

> So, I found this image online a while ago and I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that this is totally a question Sidewinder would ask, and something Zane could easily calculate. Which led to this. That is the only explanation I have for what you are about to read. I’ll post it on AO3 in a little while but for now, here you go. -J
> 
> Originally posted [here](http://astudyinfic.tumblr.com/post/183192204769/feeding-hamsters-and-slapping-chickens) and previously on AO3.

It started innocently enough. As innocent as anything involving team Sidewinder could be. When Kelly decided to get married, he made the group chat to keep the team informed of changes to the plan. His bride couldn’t make up her mind so dates and attire seemed to change with the tides. There were some occasional random posts but mostly they kept it on topic.

Then came the divorce and the plan to move him out of there and back to the cabin. This time there was good-natured ribbing thrown in because they wouldn’t be team Sidewinder if they didn’t give one another crap all the time.

After that, they all thought it would fade away. There were easier ways to keep in touch and none of them needed any motivation to contact the others. They were brothers, family. No group chat could make them closer than that.

Until Nick had an undercover gig that made him a little worried. Instead of sending a text to each one of them, he just shot a message out over the chat.

_<Irish> Undercover for undisclosed amount of time. If not back in a month, you know what to do._

They all had contingency plans in place in case something happened. None of them even needed to ask but Eli felt the need to chime in anyway. 

_<EZ> Don’t worry. We’ll feed the hamster for you._

_<Six> Hamster?_

_<Digger> Somethings wrong in your head, E_

_<Ozone> And that’s coming from Digger!_

And so it began. First, it was simply Monty Python quotes, much to Nick’s dismay when he returned from his case to find two hundred messages, each and every one of them referencing the movies they’d all watched while in Jacksonville. But once they started repeating quotes, the tone shifted once more to be random things about their daily lives, information that wouldn’t necessarily come up in a regular conversation but was interesting enough to share with everyone.

Ty offered to add him to the chat but Zane refused every time. Dealing with Sidewinder’s insanity was hard enough from the outside. If he got dragged into the middle of it, he didn’t know how he would survive.

To be honest, he should have known he wouldn’t be able to avoid it forever. They’d all mentioned they considered him part of the team now, something he didn’t take lightly. Sooner or later, it meant becoming part of Sidewinder’s inner workings, as terrifying as that might be. 

On a rare quiet night in, Zane worked on one of his paintings while Ty sprawled on the couch scrolling his phone. Judging by the look on his face, Zane knew what he was looking at and silently prayed that it wasn’t something that would require getting shot at or possibly blown up. Ty cackled, his eyes crinkling around the corners in the way that Zane found irresistible and looked up at him with obvious delight.

“Doc has a question,” Ty said and Zane braced himself. He loved Kelly Abbott but whenever he posed a question, it was usually something no one else would ever think. Ever. In the history of humanity. Ty grinned and read it to Zane. “If kinetic energy is converted to thermal energy, how hard would I have to slap a chicken to cook it?” 

After a couple of slow blinks where Zane’s mind struggled to understand if he really heard that right, Zane set down his paintbrush and walked out of the room without another word. “Seriously, Lone Star! That is hardly the worst thing you’ve heard us say.” Zane didn’t reply, ignoring his boyfriend. Ty called for him once more before going back to whatever he’d been doing, probably debating the merits of a slap-cooked chicken. That sounded like something they would do. 

After five minutes, Zane returned to the room and plucked the phone from Ty’s hands. He typed a message into the group chat and went back to his painting without saying anything. Ty’s gaze was tangible on his back but he ignored him, intent on staying out of it from now on. 

_<Six> 3725.95mph_

_<Ozone> How do you know that?_

_<Digger> That’s something, that’s what that is._

_<Irish> Garrett?_

_<Six> Garrett_

“Do I even want to know how you calculated that?” Ty asked from his place on the couch, drawing a smile from Zane’s lips.

He shook his head, glancing over his shoulder at his lover. “No, probably not. But if they just want to slap a chicken normally to cook it, it would take about twenty-four thousand slaps to do it.”

And so it began. Every time they had a question, Zane would do the math and give them the answer. At some point, it became a game, trying to stump Zane with a question even he couldn’t calculate the answer to.

_<Doc> How hard would you have to hit someone in the head with a golf ball to kill them?_

“You realize your friends are terrifying and quite possibly psychotic, right?” he asked Ty, shaking his head in what he wished was disbelief. At that point, he’d knew too much about Sidewinder to be anything but resigned.

Ty chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, aren’t they great?” 

With a sigh, Zane went back to his work. He’d forgotten who he was talking too. Terrifying and quite possibly psychotic summed up Ty better than almost any other phrase he could come up with.

A few moments later, Ty called out, “Anyone know how much force is necessary to kill someone by hitting them in the temple?” The whole office fell silent and stared at him for a moment. Ty stared back before shrugging. “Alright. I’ll take that as a no.”

“How do you even work with him?” Alston asked Zane, looking at him with wide eyes. 

Zane just raised a brow, eyes glancing towards his lover then back at Scott. “You have to know how to handle him and you have to know when to just let things go.” And Zane knew how to handle Ty better than anyone. Or at least he hoped. He’d heard no complaints so far.

Ty wasn’t listening, typing furiously on his phone and Zane feared what he would see if he looked over at it. He heard a barking laugh from his partner and turned in time to see Ty pushing away from his desk. “Garrett! We need to go. Important work to do.” While plenty of paperwork had piled up on his desk, Zane was happy to grab any excuse to get Ty out of there before things started blowing up. It really wasn’t a good idea to let that man get bored. 

The lunchroom microwave was a testament to that.

Shrugging at the rest of the team, Zane grabbed his jacket and followed Ty out of the office, only asking once they were in the elevator, “What important work do we have to do?”

“Need to figure out an answer to Doc’s question of course.”

The question “Why?” was on the tip of his tongue but Zane also knew better than to ask it. It would only lead to more headaches. “If I calculate it for you, can we find something more entertaining to do with the rest of our afternoon?” Because while he didn’t want to give Sidewinder any ideas, he knew that if he did a few equations, Ty might reward him. Preferably in some way that ended with them both naked.

Or he might end up dead. With Ty and Sidewinder, you just never knew.


End file.
